Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Grieving ~ slowly putting one foot in front of the other...

Taking things slow...
from minute to minute
as the clock ticks and they turn into hours


Losing Mom, has so far, been the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
It has only a few days since she passed,
but I can already tell that this is a major life altering event,
so significant,
that it is difficult to put into words.

Tears fall freely
there's a lump in my throat that does not seem to go away...


I've been eating comfort food, drinking gin and tonics
and have stopped counting WW points.


I have considered not getting dressed and staying my pj's all day...


But instead, I get up have a cafe creme
hop in the shower
put on my make up
and
head over to Mom's condo to sort through her things.

there is some comfort in action and busyness

to be in Mom's condo 
surrounded by her things 
feels like home
but when I look toward her chair 
she is not there...

my heart aches
deeply


I notice that the garden is awakening from its winter slumber
right on cue as it does every year at this time.


The snowdrops are blooming.


Sunny yellow daffodils


Moistened by the rain

Nature reminds me of the cycles of life

beginnings

endings


Life goes on...

as surely as the spring bulbs open
the 
flowers appear

taking each day
each minute
to pause
reflect

thinking of Mom
and all she has done
to make our lives so special

her strength, wisdom, kindness and grace
will help guide me
as I walk along this painful path of grief

in her honour
I will put one foot in front of the other
move forward
slowly
one step at a time.


I found this card in mothers desk drawer...


She kept this card
 there were no others...

I wept when I opened the card
with tears rolling down my cheeks
 a moment in the silence
grieving
alone

this card is one of the treasures that I will keep 
the message so close to my heart 
in memory 
of my wonderful mom


Thank you for all your comments on the previous post.
I am overwhelmed by your kind and supportive thoughts
they mean a lot 
especially at a time like this...


54 comments:

  1. Leslie, I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  2. What a treasure to find the card you gave to your mom. It obviously meant so much to her that she chose to keep it close by. You can be so proud of your relationships with her. xoxo

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  3. Aware of that pain and the process of grieving. Know you are supported

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  4. Oh Leslie, tears were welling up as I read your post. I agree that losing a mother is life altering and so, so painful. I totally understand the comfort of being among her things, in her home, surrounded by everything she touched; and yet, the pain is so deep. The tears flow. Reach out to those around you, and allow them to care for you as you go through your grief. Wishing you comfort and peace.

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  5. Leslie I can feel your pain and I weep with you. The overwhelming saddeness of losing my mother is with me again. I feel her loss every day as there is a love so special between mother and daughter. My mother has been gone for 10 years but I still look for her daily. I feel her love and warmth within me and wish I could be with her again. Hold on to that precious card and all the love you shared.

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  6. It is a life altering thing and a year and a half later I'm still realizing how my life has changed since my mother died. Please know how much I'm thinking of you right now......and I love how easily and openly you share your grief. XO

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  7. My Mom has been gone 10 years and it still feels like yesterday - I still reach for the phone to call her before I realize I can only speak to her through my heart. I pray to my Mom and I know she hears. I loved my Dad dearly, but there's something when you lose your Mom. She was my best friend and we did everything together. The only solace I can give you is keep your memories close, talk to her daily and recognize when you feel her arms around you. I don't think the ache ever goes away, but the ache brings back to me how much she loved me. My prayers and wishes go out to you and your family. Laura

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  8. Sincere condolences, Hostess. My heart aches for you, sending hugs. I lost my own mom last September. Grief is a process, no way around it, only through. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Violet.

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  9. These feelings will stay with you for, well probably forever. My Mom passed just over a year ago and I still have days were the tears come. Let yourself have those times where you indulge in comfort food and stay in your pj's. I too am wishing you peace. Take Care.

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like a remarkable woman and the aftermath of such loss is so intense and painful a time. What you have shared makes clear how much you honor her legacy and treasure the lessons her life taught you.

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  11. Oh Leslie, all my love and sympathies. Even now, ten year on losing my father, it's comfortable to be among his things. Take things slowly and allow yourself to do everything you need to feel better at this sad time. Big hugs, I'm thinking of you.

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  12. So sorry, Leslie, for the loss of your dear Mother. I wish you some peace in this grieving process. I lost my Mother to cancer 3 years ago, and miss her every day. Thank you for your wonderful blog. Hugs to you in this difficult time. XOXO

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  13. Leslie, I'm sure that you will miss your mother forever. It's lovely that she knew how important she was to you. Take care.

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  14. Just think how sad it would be if you didn't feel sad at your mother's death? I know a little of what you are going through as my dear mother died in 2000, and I still miss her, but the pain does pass, Leslie. It just takes time and then you will be able to remember her without weeping, believe me. Just be kind to yourself, forget WW points and enjoy comforting food, whatever helps you right now.
    Hugs from me here in Devon, UK,
    Margaret P
    www.margaretpowling.com

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  15. I did all this not that long ago. My dad died--cancer and kidney failure, long anticipated--and my mom, who had been in fine health, died three weeks later. Going through their things, with a deadline. Not easy. I know you you feel and you have my whole heart of sympathy.
    I wear her rings. I brought home her creams--they smell of her. I use them and feel her caress on my cheeks. You will find ways to keep your mother with you.
    Bon courage.

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  16. Let the tears fall as they will, Leslie, and let yourself grieve the loss of your mother, whatever that may look like. Hugs.

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  17. You were so fortunate to have your mother. Not everyone has such a mother or the relationship you had. I hope that your memories with sustain you through this time of great grief.

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  18. Leslie this is such a hard time. Take care of yourself and if I was there I would be fixing you a g&t myself. You were clearly so dear to your Mum and she to you, it was a real gift, this relationship, and the love doesn't leave.
    You carry her with you now to the benefit of your fortunate children and grandchildren. Bless all of you at this time, sending a big hug to you.

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  19. As they say, no one will ever love you as much as your mother. The pain lessens but never goes away but the wonderful memories do help.

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  20. Profound sympathy on the passing of your Mother, it is such a heavy burden. I lost my Mom to cancer over 20 years ago, and the only consolation is, that with time, the happier memories come to the fore, and the sadder, more recent ones recede. I can now remember her in the good times, how we laughed, I can now hear her voice without shedding tears. She lives on in her 2 sons and 2 grand-daughters, and that is a tremendous consolation.

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  21. I'm so sorry for your loss Leslie. I wish you peace, comfort and strength during this difficult time of grieving.

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  22. I agree... there is nothing like the grief of losing your Mother... but what a beautiful post from you in the midst of this painful time. Like Mother, like daughter...i'd say.
    cyber-hugs, Jan(from Sydney)

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  23. I'm so sorry Leslie...I am watching you for when I go through it too. Hugs.

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  24. I know how you are feeling. My mother was my best friend, and better than a best friend. Irreplaceable. My heart stopped when I read your card above. I discovered that my mother had kept my ballet program from when I was 7 years old, tucked away carefully in a drawer. I was probably terrible at it. Actually, undoubtedly terrible but it obviously meant so much to her that I was a little snowflake. You will cry when you discover a keepsake. You cry when a memory ambushes you or gently arrives invited. After she died 6 years ago, I never dreamt of her until the other night. I was embraced by her warmth and she was matchmaking for me which brings a wistful smile. She liked to supervise!! So with your mother. She would not like to see your tears for too long but she is with you in spirit. I think she left the card in the drawer not only because it meant so much to her but because she wanted you to find it. The friendship was mutual. As much as it is a lovely thing for a daughter to have her mother as a friend, it is an equal treasure for a mother to have a daughter as her friend. I always took it for granted that mothers and daughters were friends but more recently I have learned how that is often not the case. What wonderful gifts our mothers gave us. Cry when you need to but don't forget to smile and embrace the memories.

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  25. Dear Hostess,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. You are in my thoughts.

    Connie in Seattle

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  26. It took me 8 months and going into a major depression before I found anything that helped me get control of my grief - journaling. I wrote and wrote and wrote - pages and pages at first. I'd write at nighttime mostly which is when I would have called mom (nightly) to check in and see how she was doing. I'd write as if I was talking to her - it's been 17 years and I'm tearing up again. Although my husband was there if I wanted to talk and was supportive if I needed to "see someone" but I wanted to try to get through it with the writing and God. It took a number of months but gradually the grief did diminish. Years later and I would still panic because I hadn't called her that night and Gary would have to remind me that she was gone. I truly feel your pain and just wish for God's peace to envelope and hold you. Barbara

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  27. I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy but you were so lucky to have had your mom in your life for as long as you did. She sounds like such a wonderful lady.

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  28. You have much to do right now, Leslie, and perhaps that is a good thing at the most poignant time of grief. My heart goes out to you; as others say, it feels so terrible you can't imagine how you will cope. Give yourself time out, and if at all possible I'd suggest taking that day in your pyjamas, rest, sleep, eat and drink what you will, and recharge. Ten months since my father died, and I still have the odd tearful time. All the very best to you and yours.

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  29. Dear Leslie,
    You've had a wonderful realationship with your mother,a rare gem,and the grieving is bigger(because the loss was great),tremenduous and very powerful emotion...
    Putting one feet in front of the other,taking one day at a time,breathing deep,crying freely.....,the loss would be there forever but the grieving has it's path...Barbara's advice about journaling is a good one,and you did it once,as I can remember...
    You are a brave and warm person,my thoughts are with you
    I have similar relationship with my mother and a fear of loss
    Dottoressa

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  30. I wish you peace when it feels like there can be no comfort. I found a book about 6 months after losing both my parents called The Orphaned Adult which was helpful to me. Perhaps it will be helpful to you, too, in time.

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  31. A year after losing my dad, and eleven years after the death of my I'm I can say that just take your time to grieve. One day though, your heart mends a bit and instead of tearing up as you think of your mum and the last few weeks, you will remember all the wonderful years together and smile.

    Julie

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  32. So sorry to hear of your loss. Know that you will be in my prayers. Take care.

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  33. I am so sorry for your loss. Your wonderful memories will bring a smile to your lips and a tear to your eyes.

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  34. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother eight years ago, so I understand some of what you are going through. The void will never be filled, but the pain does lessen and many happy memories will always be with you. I still think of my mother everyday. It is comforting to have known the love of a mother.

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  35. My heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your beloved mother. I miss mine every day and always
    will.

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  36. ♥ thinking of you and holding you close to heart as you step softly through your days, leaning in to this necessary grief and all it encompasses ♥

    {& yes, don't count the points.}

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  37. Hi Leslie,
    Lorrie is right when she says let the tears fall when they do. After 15 years it still happens to me at odd moments-a song, seeing someone in a hat like my mom or dad's, simple things like that. Grieving is a process, just like when children grow-in fits and starts. About the time you finish the house clean-out, your garden will be needing your attention. I know how much solace you have plunging your hands in the dirt. Take pleasure in the small things and be well. Carol in VT

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  38. The saddest days of our lives when our parents die - much sympathy to you and your family.

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  39. I am so sorry for your loss. - Nancy

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  40. My heart and love go out to you, Leslie.

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  41. Be gentle with yourself and accept the love and help of others.

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  42. My hearts aches for you. Losing your Mother is painful and life altering. The day I lost my Mother I felt like the axis of the earth shifted, I had been thru a earth quake. It leaves a mark on your heart like no other. From reading your blog for years, I know you loved your Mother dearly and she loved you dearly. My sincere heartfelt sympathy on your painful loss.

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  43. Leslie, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mother.

    With Sincere Sympathy,
    Donna

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  44. I so very sorry to learn of the passing of your mother. No matter what our ages, the loss of a mother is a primal loss that tears at the deepest part of our soul. To have it occur so quickly and with little warning, makes it all the harder to bear.

    I so enjoyed your excursions with your mother. I confess to being a little jealous of your ability to go to lunch and shopping with her. I am 62 and my 87 mom died 4 years at 87 in her sleep without warning. She lived independently and was as sharp as a tack. I never knew it was possible to cry so much that my face could hurt for days afterwards. We still talk about her as though she is here. We were her jewelry and her sweaters. And we imagine her at the table always.

    May this journey of grief and loss ultimately bring back to you the joy of being a child and the overwhelming love of being a mother yourself.

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  45. Dear Hostess I am saddened by your loss. I am devastated at the swiftness of her passing- I thought you would enjoy your visits and outings for tea and shopping for many years to come. As I visited my mother in her care home today I relished each minute as I held her hands and massaged her favourite handlotion into her old hands that nurtured me these past 62 years and I thought of you and how bereft you must feel love R

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  46. Leslie, my mother died two years ago. I think of her and miss her every day. I like to imagine she is in heaven with her mother, father, brother and other dear ones that went before her. And that she has met ancestors that she never knew. I believe she watches over me. My brother and I share a bond of missing her that no one else can feel.

    To help feel close to her, I wear a piece of her jewelry every day. I also have her reading lamp, which comforts me when I use it almost daily.

    I, too, discovered that she had kept all my letters from camp. I had no idea.

    You don't get "over" losing your mother. But, finding touchstones helps keep keep her close.

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  47. These times are very difficult, be gentle and kind on yourself. Pajama days, sitting in the garden days, big cups of tea days.....whatever YOU need. Take care, Suz from Vancouver

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  48. I didn't have the kind of relationship with my mother that I would have liked, different times, different ways of bringing up children, but she was my mum, the only one I had and I missed her when she died. Your words are so touching Leslie. Memories and loved ones will help you cope with your loss.

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  49. Leslie, this is a beautiful post. Thinking of you very often.

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  50. I read your blog all of the time but have never commented. Today I feel moved to comment to let you know how sorry I am to hear about your mom. I lost my mom 3 years ago, & not a day passes by that I don't think of her. It gets easier as time passes by, but I still miss her & always will. You will always have the wonderful memories of your mom. Hopefully, this will help you find some comfort in the days ahead of you. I hope & pray for peace for you & that the next few days & weeks will get easier. Blessings to you, Johnette Peck

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  51. Leslie, just a note to let you know in your my thoughts and prayers.
    Barbara

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